oddities, thoughts and lucid dreams

Miro desde lejos los años que han pasado y seguís estando acá. Miro desde lejos la calle que recorríamos en esas noches de locura. Y pensábamos que nada nunca iba a cambiar y que seríamos por siempre así Jurábamos que estábamos en el mejor momento de nuestras vidas. Y mirános ahora, tan acostumbrados a nuestra amistad que se nos van los días. Sé que cambió mi realidad y cambió para vos. Lo veo en tus ojos café oscuros. Entiendo que la vida nos ha llevado por caminos distintos y distantes. Pero ahora más que nunca ansío uno de tus abrazos y tu compañía, sólo vos y yo – una mesa para dos, vino y música para cantar. Qué si nos ha favorecido el cielo, con esta gran historia, de la cual somos los únicos protagonistas, afortunados somos los dos. Miro desde lejos las veces que reíamos y nos sentíamos invencibles. Miro desde lejos tantas palabras que se iban por la celosía. Y pensábamos que la noche iba a durar por siempre así Rogábamos para que ese momento no se f...

El lento suplicio que se despliega cada mañana tras el despertar del sol Carcome los huesos y reseca la piel, corroe la capa dura de un caracol. Destroza los viñedos y quema los campos sin reparo en lo que se hace. Sin pedir que se detengan a contemplar los hombres este cínico espectáculo llamado: “día a día”. Se maravillan los cielos y se amotinan los mares, todo dentro de una gota de cristal. Pasa de todo.  En la ensordecedora ebullición de la sangre y en el gorgoteo del agua salada. “¡Abrid la boca y tragad!” “¡Deglutid la arena!” se oye una seca voz desde la tierra desquebrajada. El sol ha puesto su yugo calcinante en tu espalda. Te han castigado, te han marcado.   El cielo azul, de un azul tan profundo que el mar tendría celos. La tierra deshidratada, deja ir sus últimos rastros de humedad. Tiene sus venas abiertas, esperando una dosis al menos tocar. Cruje, tiembla, suena y se queja. Se burla una pérfida nube al verla suplicar.  No cor...

To think I thought I could have loved you. Denial of self, I should have never gone after. Mended ideas, repented I have. Tormented scenes repeating in my head. Oh, the way it all should and could have been. Your farce, your pain, your lies, your tied heart and your deluded need for hoarding others' broken hopes. Our demise. Your derision. I will hold no grudge. Scoff ~ the path you walk leads to the pit of deception... this time, for me, has the sun come out.

Beating myself up for no reason. Wondering where I went wrong. self-sabotaging, filled with loathing and regret. Turns out, life has its way to let you know. have I learnt my lesson. Trust myself and what my heart whispers so clearly. No heart betrays its owner. Turns out, I'm not as messed up as I thought, I was never the one to blame. I knew from the beginning it wasn't me but I neglected myself. Never again. I'm not the one to blame. Liar, hypocrite, narcissistic, deluded, distorted, medicated. You won't remain unharmed. You'll pour ruin upon yourself. May 1st 2013 10.00am Markish

This road hurts to tread. It scatters my memory and heart everywhere with Every look I take. Those places where our hands met and our eyes meshed. Our worlds colliding into one. Never had I felt this much stillness in my life. so much excitement had me blindfolded. Feel more, think less, Feel less, think more, Who the hell cares, I was in love. 'twas all that mattered.... no more. I'm lost in streets, corners and ways Each place screams your name, And I try to look for you in vain. See the stars, perhaps, they may say. This road hurts, Each meter, each stop Yells a story only I know. This road hurts To and fro, I wander.... Markish April 11th Escazu Road  11am/5pm

                                                          Love Is Not Enough. not enough to make you stay with me. even though, words slipped and your thoughts deceived your lips. and you said you loved me first.   Not a single drop of compassion. But who needs or wants compassion and self-loathing? I don't need them, anyways. it is me who needs to get away, even though I miss you harder than ever. I've understood. Love is not enough to make you stay. Not enough for me to make it up to you. Not enough to make you forgive one falter or two. Not enough for deleting it. Not enough for starting it, either. YOUR love isn't enough only mine is enough for me and myself, at least...

Are we awakening from this slumber any time soon? The deeper I reason, the more I flounder into a dogma that has twisted minds at will. Will there be a time for sobering this religious drunkenness mixed with self-guilt inflicted daggers at hands? So they say... And we argue, so we say...  white dove is now the white dope... Hateful flag where separation is found... Genderising, deranging. Why hasn't it evolved? White dove leaves a whitish powder as a trail... 'tead of bleeding noses, there are scabbed knees... They're in trance. They can't feel. All feelings are bad. Sex is evil and since sex is evil so is nature. Mind is perverse. The body a temple of doom. The spirit is needy and weak so we’re fed with guilt... World has changed and so have some… if we did, why have they not? And yet an ancient and wise man said: "... but when God commands that something should be done which is against the custo...

It’s no longer painful. I’m sedated or maybe I can’t suffer anymore. I’ve experienced and I liked it. Some say you find inspiration on beauty. Some say you find your words by silence. I say there’s beauty in pain. Pleasure and pain must coexist. It’s no longer maddening. I’m under control or maybe I’ll suffer a little more. I’ve challenged myself and I’ve taken it. Some say you reap what you sow. Some say it all comes down to you. We face the consequence, we live and we die. Pleasure and pain must coexist. Pleasure. Pain. We all have felt. Lessons learned and our hearts wiser. Some of us learn from our mistakes. Some of us don’t. Life. Death. Torment. Relief And the wheel of life goes on. We tend to love what caused us pain. As if we needed more and more. The pain lingers, love leaves. And we are left adrift. It’s no longer painful. It’s no longer maddening. I am sedated. Perhaps, I speak too much. June, 11th. U.I

Wasted hours holding on to hope Thoughts coming down to just one. Damaged beyond repair Embracing chaos or reluctantly watching it from far Seems not to fix despair. Chances are this is ending or this has ended. So hard to walk away from what you need. Tantalus ordeal-like situation. I don’t need more time like this. Time of Solace. Solace, solace… I yearn Time of release and relief I yearn… Following the same path that’s tiring to tread. I am afraid of letting go. And finding the ruin of me Descending into the pit of deception I refuse to see. Walking wounded with scabbed knees Solace would you grant me. Dreaming of a love lost and gone I don’t need more time like this. 2:47 am January 4th, 2011

Life is making a mockery of me. Taking me up and down for so long. Never, did I think, this could be me. For a moment in time I stand still Then it comes back and my head wants to explode. This sick madness and the countless amounts of pills. It just laughs in my face. Makes me pay with my own tears. Blood just sheds from a broken heart. Broken by poisoned hands, your ignorance. And you say you still care. And I believe you without a doubt. Life shows its sardonic grin As you said you care, not here to take my hand. Mockery, I played on myself. Just can’t move on. Worst fear, some wishes never come true. One did, not for long. One bad dream, it came along. Cannot live without being reminded how I love you And how I lost you. July 28th, 2010 2:00 am

There is only one thing I cannot have But this time I won’t tell. It makes me bad, it makes me unbalanced. The force of the lonely morning At least I’m not asleep, if I were, A dream with real connotations will appear And even though I woke up, I would still be having this eternal feeling of emptiness. Of things I cannot reach. The impossibility of feeling good two days in a row Time here, time takes so long. Time should need to end, as well as there shouldn’t be a next number. The immensity of this deep depression, Is what keeps me going on There shouldn’t be fake smiles, there should only be love But truth is, hates takes over every day, In the confined spaces of my being There is a burning hope that refuses to kill itself And we can paint the future black And we can put a red flag at our door At the end nothing seems to help but those. And there’s no need for that flag anymore Because no one is knocking on my door So why should I care, if there is nothing left to do. ...

This time, lost as I am In the midst of these recurrent memories Damned hope, you should leave me for good. My biggest fear has come true. It’s not that I don’t want to scream Not that I don’t want to run away Not that I don’t want to fight Not that I don’t want to be with you Though I try, I falter. This time I cannot compete I cannot compete for you I cannot compete against it. I’ve understood. There is someone to hold my hand so hard But I can’t anchor to it. I’m so frail and ashamed I cannot fight when the battle’s won. That night I certainly saw There are so many things you just won’t do That night was torture. My heart broken to pieces while I act on a smile Though I try, I falter. Though I walk, I falter. Even on the ground, I falter. Even on my dreams, I falter.

No quiero una cena el día que se conmemora la fecha que nos conocimos. No quiero darte u n buen regalo sin antes haber podido besarte. No quiero nada. No quiero nada que se llegue a corroer. No quiero más tiempo, sino puedo estar contigo. El tiempo no tiene agujas, ni arena, ni es de sol. El tiempo que quiero para mí lo quiero para ti . Que supieras que el valor del tiempo no se mide en eternidad ni en horas. Que el valor del tiempo se mide con el ‘ahora’. Que el valor del espacio no se mide en lo que existirá o dejará de existir. Que el valor del espacio se mide con el ‘aquí’. No quiero que tengas una foto mía, solo porque yo te la di. Y solo por que pienses que es tu deber. No quiero que vivas pensando en lo que pudo ser. A mí me sucedió y hay cosas que no supero aun. No quiero que pienses en mí, porque tienes que. Quisiera que naciera dentro de ti la necesidad de estar conmigo. Quisiera que naciera dentro de mí, algo que me alejara aunque sea un poco de ti. Que quisieras e...

Acordarme de tus promesas de estar juntos No vuelven, las promesas se las lleva el viento Por un momento puedo ver Como la visión onírica en un espejo Distorsión de los sentidos, Te veo en él pero soy yo Levanto mi mano y toco tu corazón Y siento una daga en mi pecho Acordarme de lo que dijiste No vuelven, las palabras se las lleva el tiempo No somos niños ya, Sin embargo nos negamos a ver Elevo la mirada y puedo sentir Por un momento la eternidad Acordarme de lo que fuimos No vuelven, las manos se las lleva el olvido Y no hay forma de arreglar el corazón Soy lo que hace mal Soy lo que hace seguir Soy lo que hace soñar Soy el genio del sueño de terror Soy el íncubo que siento y no puedo ver Y el sueño lúcido del que no quiero despertar Sept 8th 2009, 12:57 am

All I know is what I feel and what I feel is that I’m sinking What I feel is that I love you and it has become overwhelming Overwhelming because we are planning our life but we live in a lie I am pretending we are ok. You are nodding to my desire. There is a part of me wanting to disappear and eradicate this dying drought Unabashedly we keep leading us on over and over. I thought we’ve changed but I’ve never seen a change without a fire. There’s no change without a fire. There’s a hole on the ground and I seem to grow stuck I’ve fallen and see no way out. Melt us or harden us together. Destroy us or rebuild us together. Turn us to ashes or make us stronger There’s no change without a fire Burn me Friday May 9th 12:28

There are few words to say, these few words will never expire. They will always remain attached to the remaining air between you and me. Words like I love you that were never uttered anymore and only will burst with some substance within. You will never understand. what I feel when I see you Seems impossible to keep living this way Seems impossible to keep this burden We are hooked for life now And things will always be the same. We cannot live with our without each other I’m sharpened, if it is an obsession I wanna die with it. I want to be carried away. If I could melt your ice If I could break your fall If needs were drowned with a bit or lots of dope. and have come to conclusions We will always pull away and attract. Like moths to the flame. Like positives poles. Emptiness, misunderstood loneliness. It seems you are the only person in the world not willing to be loved and the only person I can love more than myself. You never leave me, you never stay. And my heart grows bigger wit...

Son sólo mis deseos que sin precisión me aquejan en cada oportunidad. Son sólo las mañanas en las que siento tal profunda necesidad. Son sólo mis sueños los que aniquilan momentáneamente la realidad. Son sólo las noches las que impregnan mi almohada de vacuidad. Sigues en mí Es sólo tu mirada la que me devuelva las ganas de sonreír. Es sólo tu voz la que me hace sentir el renacer de mi ser. Es sólo tu calor el que silenciosamente me congela en llamas. Fue sólo tu cuerpo el único que alguna vez degusté. Sigues en mí No hay explicaciones ni mucho menos condiciones, Sólo que te has ido, ido como el viento en este minuto. Te vas cada día un poco más, No hay que hablar pues sé que lo que nos pasó, quedará sólo para nosotros dos. Y nunca podré gritar a los cuatro vientos que te amo, que te amé. Sigues en mí Llevarte así, sólo en el recuerdo, sólo en imágenes reproducidas mil veces. Si es así solamente como te puedo tener, será así como te tendré. Y no necesito que me vuelvan a decir que me o...

i. Is there any way to get around this? How can I move on? Will you just forget what we’ve grown? Who brainwashed you? Who told you to stop showing love? Who told you things just don’t make sense? Who are you now? ii. The immensity of this solitude The growing flame of desire left to quench In this amazing state of mind called emptiness I can’t find anything else but you and me Wherever I go, I am insulted by failure. Allured by the mere image of the first day. I am falling deeper and don’t know how to escape. iii. If things were easy to solve I wish I could erase you from my heart And not hurt again So breakable, so fragile but tough on myself [… “is it wrong to want to stay?” …] iv. All this heartache followed by desperation Makes me see I am still under your spell Spell you never cast. Get your mind out of me Leave me swollen and shaken Tell me I am not yours anymore Will this just serve to bury the past? And I see the mistakes of the past Seem so fresh now. v. How can we just stop ...

As always you’re tattooed to my dreams... As always I can’t forget your lips... Once again I try to keep going my way But I always get where you are.

Past times, now You are letting this love die. I have given my heart to see you next to me. Loneliness takes me in. Cold as ice… No one there to stare at me, It isn’t the same; I’ll always wonder if you neared my heart once Maybe it was just an illusion. And all this time, wasted among half sung songs and phone calls, didn’t mean a thing. Is it somehow time to go? Time to say good-bye? I’m still trying to get less caring… Detachment… that is what you want. However, for me whose life revolves around you, not a simple thing to do. I’ve flown, I’ve fought, and I’ve tried and fell While you stare the days passing by. And that fortune of mine, seeing your face I see my life. I see the nights we will miss, the days full of nothingness. Emptiness inside and out. Great, your move, someday somehow your heart will melt. And you’ll realize… and it’ll dawn on you. You’ll know…. MarcusRCM ‎June ‎21, ‎2008