oddities, thoughts and lucid dreams

It’s no longer painful. I’m sedated or maybe I can’t suffer anymore. I’ve experienced and I liked it. Some say you find inspiration on beauty. Some say you find your words by silence. I say there’s beauty in pain. Pleasure and pain must coexist. It’s no longer maddening. I’m under control or maybe I’ll suffer a little more. I’ve challenged myself and I’ve taken it. Some say you reap what you sow. Some say it all comes down to you. We face the consequence, we live and we die. Pleasure and pain must coexist. Pleasure. Pain. We all have felt. Lessons learned and our hearts wiser. Some of us learn from our mistakes. Some of us don’t. Life. Death. Torment. Relief And the wheel of life goes on. We tend to love what caused us pain. As if we needed more and more. The pain lingers, love leaves. And we are left adrift. It’s no longer painful. It’s no longer maddening. I am sedated. Perhaps, I speak too much. June, 11th. U.I

Wasted hours holding on to hope Thoughts coming down to just one. Damaged beyond repair Embracing chaos or reluctantly watching it from far Seems not to fix despair. Chances are this is ending or this has ended. So hard to walk away from what you need. Tantalus ordeal-like situation. I don’t need more time like this. Time of Solace. Solace, solace… I yearn Time of release and relief I yearn… Following the same path that’s tiring to tread. I am afraid of letting go. And finding the ruin of me Descending into the pit of deception I refuse to see. Walking wounded with scabbed knees Solace would you grant me. Dreaming of a love lost and gone I don’t need more time like this. 2:47 am January 4th, 2011

Life is making a mockery of me. Taking me up and down for so long. Never, did I think, this could be me. For a moment in time I stand still Then it comes back and my head wants to explode. This sick madness and the countless amounts of pills. It just laughs in my face. Makes me pay with my own tears. Blood just sheds from a broken heart. Broken by poisoned hands, your ignorance. And you say you still care. And I believe you without a doubt. Life shows its sardonic grin As you said you care, not here to take my hand. Mockery, I played on myself. Just can’t move on. Worst fear, some wishes never come true. One did, not for long. One bad dream, it came along. Cannot live without being reminded how I love you And how I lost you. July 28th, 2010 2:00 am

There is only one thing I cannot have But this time I won’t tell. It makes me bad, it makes me unbalanced. The force of the lonely morning At least I’m not asleep, if I were, A dream with real connotations will appear And even though I woke up, I would still be having this eternal feeling of emptiness. Of things I cannot reach. The impossibility of feeling good two days in a row Time here, time takes so long. Time should need to end, as well as there shouldn’t be a next number. The immensity of this deep depression, Is what keeps me going on There shouldn’t be fake smiles, there should only be love But truth is, hates takes over every day, In the confined spaces of my being There is a burning hope that refuses to kill itself And we can paint the future black And we can put a red flag at our door At the end nothing seems to help but those. And there’s no need for that flag anymore Because no one is knocking on my door So why should I care, if there is nothing left to do. ...

This time, lost as I am In the midst of these recurrent memories Damned hope, you should leave me for good. My biggest fear has come true. It’s not that I don’t want to scream Not that I don’t want to run away Not that I don’t want to fight Not that I don’t want to be with you Though I try, I falter. This time I cannot compete I cannot compete for you I cannot compete against it. I’ve understood. There is someone to hold my hand so hard But I can’t anchor to it. I’m so frail and ashamed I cannot fight when the battle’s won. That night I certainly saw There are so many things you just won’t do That night was torture. My heart broken to pieces while I act on a smile Though I try, I falter. Though I walk, I falter. Even on the ground, I falter. Even on my dreams, I falter.

No quiero una cena el día que se conmemora la fecha que nos conocimos. No quiero darte u n buen regalo sin antes haber podido besarte. No quiero nada. No quiero nada que se llegue a corroer. No quiero más tiempo, sino puedo estar contigo. El tiempo no tiene agujas, ni arena, ni es de sol. El tiempo que quiero para mí lo quiero para ti . Que supieras que el valor del tiempo no se mide en eternidad ni en horas. Que el valor del tiempo se mide con el ‘ahora’. Que el valor del espacio no se mide en lo que existirá o dejará de existir. Que el valor del espacio se mide con el ‘aquí’. No quiero que tengas una foto mía, solo porque yo te la di. Y solo por que pienses que es tu deber. No quiero que vivas pensando en lo que pudo ser. A mí me sucedió y hay cosas que no supero aun. No quiero que pienses en mí, porque tienes que. Quisiera que naciera dentro de ti la necesidad de estar conmigo. Quisiera que naciera dentro de mí, algo que me alejara aunque sea un poco de ti. Que quisieras e...

Acordarme de tus promesas de estar juntos No vuelven, las promesas se las lleva el viento Por un momento puedo ver Como la visión onírica en un espejo Distorsión de los sentidos, Te veo en él pero soy yo Levanto mi mano y toco tu corazón Y siento una daga en mi pecho Acordarme de lo que dijiste No vuelven, las palabras se las lleva el tiempo No somos niños ya, Sin embargo nos negamos a ver Elevo la mirada y puedo sentir Por un momento la eternidad Acordarme de lo que fuimos No vuelven, las manos se las lleva el olvido Y no hay forma de arreglar el corazón Soy lo que hace mal Soy lo que hace seguir Soy lo que hace soñar Soy el genio del sueño de terror Soy el íncubo que siento y no puedo ver Y el sueño lúcido del que no quiero despertar Sept 8th 2009, 12:57 am